There's been a lot of buzz going around about who the next big-ticket presidential runners will be. I look at the state of this fair-to-passable nation of ours, with all our victories and virtues, and also our follies and foibles. Who will be the next white guy, or by a slim margin, black guy, to assume the controls and steer us into a Bright, Hovercar-Filled Tomorrow?
So many ugly, fat people are in the running now, with so much promise and political background. Any number of hats have been thrown into the ring, and I think to myself, "You know whose hat would look good in that ring? Mine. The one with the big pimp feather in it."
And so I'd like to announce my first foray into the world of politics. After much thought, I've even decided on the archetype I'd like to inform my decision-making and around which to mold my political identity: The Stern Father Figure.
Imagine me, in a crisp, starched dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up in a muted tie my plain wife tied for me. Picture me wagging my finger at opponents and cultural attachés, all like "now that's enough pussyfooting around," then you giggle a little and I turn to look at you harshly but that look gives way to a paternal, knowing smile. The kind of look your dad gave you when you made a Dutch oven joke in front of your mom but she didn't know what you meant.
That's the kind of president you want, and maybe you don't even know it yet. So let me hit you with the facts. The following bullet points highlight the main tenets of my campaign.
MORE FINGER WAGGING
I've already painted the picture for you with the finger wagging, but you gotta understand, a good finger waggin' harkens back to the days when men were men and women knew their place (read: looms and spinning classes.) Appealing to an older generation is like changing your band's format to Christian rock—you open yourself up to an impossibly gigantic and unblinkingly devoted demographic, one that would rather justify to themselves than question any number of bold moves you advocate, like, "kill all the penguins 'cause they be eatin' all our oil."
When, not if, (get real) I get your vote, you will know I got it by setting my feet wide in a dominant stance, shrugging my shoulders, and wagging my finger at any old thing that stands in my way, such as my lack of knowledge concerning anything vaguely political. Or whatever.
MEDIA TWEAKING
There are a few sub-points here, and honestly this is, like, the brunt of my political platform.
Sub-point lettering sequence initiate:
A) I'm adopting a strict no-fucking-way policy on CGI doggy dance sequences in children's movies. Under my strict but benevolent rule, you will never again be subjected to the antics—hell, even the shenanigans—of some dumbass kids' movie where all the talking dogs and cats dance to "Who Let The Dogs Out?" or any other song that may have been featured on the Jock Jams album series.
B) No more remakes until I see one that really catches my fancy, like a shiny new button amidst a pile of Tim Burton Planet of the Apes DVDs.
C) We Americans have been subjected for too long to humiliation by our peers. If we are to get anywhere in this world in terms of social status, and therefore business standings, we need to establish an Artist Apology Act. Let's provide a simple example for this act:
Any time Coldplay comes out with a catchy song, and anyone is seen in a public capacity, i.e. their car, at a party, in a bar, on a sailboat, enjoying and/or singing along to said song, Coldplay will have to fly out (on their own dollar) to publicly apologize to you for making you look like a tool in front of your friends.
D) No longer, in any parodical manner or otherwise, is anyone allowed to say "Say hello to my little friend" in any movie or in public. Stop it.
EVEN DAD HAS FUN!
Now I know you're thinking, 'Ol' Dad never has any fun. He wants his Cutty Sark and his half-hour of peace and quiet, thank-you-very-much.' But guess what? New millennium, new dad, man.
Introducing Double Fridays! That's right, in an ass-backwards attempt to establish economic reform, I'm offering you two Fridays in a week. That's twice as many chances to cut loose and do the jitterbug and two times as many opportunities to get your bang on with Amanda from accounts payable. Most Americans will find this necessary once I've enacted the twelve day work week.
With the promise of these new policies in line, I expect all of you to fall in and do your part by donating unreasonable sums of money to me. America will always be the Number One Superpower of the Planet because of its immense diversity in cultural, political and grammatical influence.
And if you give me your money I will make promises that appeal directly to whatever you want.
